Retrospect
by Darth Comrade
Summary: After Order 66 was issued a logbook was found in a lower city hovel on Coruscant with a single entry in it belonging to someone who disappeared long ago.


_A.N._

_Thanks to my loyal readers for pulling me back into writing. Please visit my profile to learn some news about me._

_Enjoy._

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**Retrospect**

It's not the same galaxy I remember anymore. Almost a year passed since the events that led up to my retirement from The Jedi Order. They were not easy months on me to say the least, and they only got more difficult as time passed. In this time I've already sworn to dismember my connection to the living force. This kind of disconnection is not done in a matter of a second. It is a long, tiring and painful process and on many occasions my mind argued with me against doing so, but it was fear that was fueling that doubt.

The temptation of falling to The Darkside was too great a risk for me to fall into. The warning of Yoda's wisdom regarding the intensity with which the shroud of evil has gripped every corner of The Galaxy has not left my subconscious even now. The balance of light against dark has tipped in favor of evil, and for that reason I decided to disappear. Not out of any instruction from Yoda, but my instincts told me that it was the right thing to do.

There are darker things coming and there is no way anyone with an affinity to The Force is going to be able to see it happening. It is the regular folk relying on their regular eyesight and their ability to use their brains and put two and two together who are seeing it coming like a giant eight tentacle monster looming over The Jedi Temple and beginning to ensnare it.

I've spent most of these months only in my mind. Hours passing into days I found myself pondering on the years that have disappeared in my memories. There was a lot of noise that rendered these memories into jumbled puzzle pieces that were near impossible for me to put together. The battles, and the missions and the tasks and orders are all intertwined with the lessons, upon lessons learned in all that time, and for some reason everyone was always shouting as if … it was as if there was a war, not on the battlefield, but another war in everyone's head; a terrible one being fought against reason. Life became a desperate and continuous struggle to hold on to something that made sense in a galaxy that was no longer making any sense.

The Jedi Order was not the beacon of light that it used to be. There was no harmony. There was no peace or justice. And there was especially no trust anymore. The corruption that took the galaxy years ago and spiraled it into chaos, eventually took the senate. We Jedi felt that happening but couldn't stop it. We didn't even find the time to stop it when the fires of war erupted. The Jedi Knights became too busy putting out fires that they didn't notice the fuel of corruption spilling into their sacred temple. I however eventually noticed it, but I noticed it too late. I only noticed it when I became a victim of that fire. How do you explain to someone that the fire is coming to get them, when they're too busy watching you burn?

The simple answer is you can't.

I decided I didn't want to be any more trouble for The Jedi than I already was. I did the only thing I could do at that time. I dusted myself off and walked away, hoping maybe the Order will find their focus and go back to putting out other fires, bigger fires that needed their attention rather than wasting their time on a fire that was burning in their own sacred home. In retrospect that was all I became, a small fire that hit too close to home; a domestic incident that should never have happened in the first place.

I never became the Jedi Knight I always wanted to be. The one I believe I was meant to be. Instead, my own story turned into an unfortunate tragedy. The sting was too great for me to handle even after I took those fateful steps out of The Jedi Temple. There was always the question, what next? What happens to my future and what future if at all?

I couldn't even remember the last real smile I wore. In fact, I still can't even now.

There was an old Gran that I remember a while ago when I patrolled the Coruscant lower level streets with my Jedi Master. He was huddled in a corner back alley wrapped in nothing more than his patched cloak to keep him warm and ragged clothes. His three eyes drooped over his snout and his teeth were deformed, every time he coughed I could hear the gargles that sounded to me like illness was having its toll on him and he was taking the last breaths of his life. I remember thinking about that poor creature and what could have led him here. What type of life decisions could bring a person to this point in their lives where they have no friends, nothing to claim in their name, and nowhere to go except to die in a place where no one will even notice you were ever gone.

Nothing has improved in The Galaxy since then. Today I walk these same streets and I can't say I pity the Gran anymore. The Jedi don't travel to these lower levels. They've all but forgotten they exist. The war must've taken them beyond The Outer Rim by now, or perhaps so many of them have been killed lately that they can't afford to risk coming this far down or they just can't spare that many Jedi. Whatever is their reason it's starting to look bad. The criminal underworld is starting to get bold and they're taking opportunities they never dreamed they could ever take back when we The Jedi kept a watchful eye.

I have to admit, the last news I heard cut me deep. It wasn't what I expected to hear down here, but come to think of it I know it makes sense now. Rumors that were eventually confirmed by witnesses spread among the criminal underworld about the death of Jedi Master Tera Sinube. The ancient Jedi had spent so much of his long age investigating the deep history of crime on Coruscant and combatting its activities that he had developed a name for himself down here, such a name that when news of his death arrived the lower level streets exploded with emotion and violence literally overnight. It was as if an invisible door was burst open that kept terror at bay. I only wondered what the kind and gentle spirit would have had to say if he had seen the same sight I saw.

And the saddest part is that I only now realize that I never really appreciated the way he took me with his hand so softly and gave me all his precious attention from his valuable time just to help me find my lost lightsaber, which was stolen really by nothing more than a petty thief.

Patience, take all the time you need, and listen. That was his lifelong philosophy about everything. Always take it slow and when in doubt, slow down even more. Everything will come to you on its own if you desire it and if you approach it correctly. He put it to me in the mildest way, and indeed the lightsaber came back to me by his own philosophy, and not my actions; not at all by my actions. As a matter of fact, I could've almost lost it again!

Today I keep no lightsaber. It's the weapon of a Jedi Knight. It's a symbol of honor, justice and its light is the beacon with which one could hold to belong to the order of The Jedi Knights. I lost mine, permanently this time and I'm not looking for them and that is why they won't be coming back to me. And maybe Master Tera Sinube will understand this time if this lost Jedi chooses to exhaust her patience on another matter, a greater question this time.

Where is The Galaxy going? And what will it mean for putting The Force back into balance? And speaking of putting The Force back into balance, maybe in retrospect what this Jedi is meaning to ask was what is Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker going to do about it all?

These fires erupting all across The Galaxy, in every corner of his life, and even in his own Jedi Temple where he trains, protects and serves the light must be on the verge of taking him too. If my Master really was The Chosen One, then what did he mean when he told me that he understands wanting to walk away from The Jedi Order? And that's assuming he was The Chosen one after all. Despite all the amazing things I've seen he was capable of, and despite the many challenges he was able to overcome and the amazing mastery of The Force that he holds, the recent events have clouded much of my faith in that being true.

Maybe really that was the reason why I left. Maybe all I wanted to do was close my eyes, and wait until one day I can open them once and for all to see a bright future for The Galaxy and maybe then I will find that my faith in my master will have paid off.

But right now, I'm not living in the same galaxy that I remember. And I don't think I've exiled myself well enough to bear what is yet to come. A fire so large I think it may just consume the fires that are already burning. There isn't a place quiet enough where I can go and escape it. It's going to take me too, but my best hope is to be far enough to not burn as badly as I burned on that fateful day I decided to leave.

I'm scared. It's a reality I decided to accept and I can tell you The Jedi Knights are scared too. The difference however between me and them is that they don't know how to accept it and that ignorance is exactly what's about to destroy them, not from the outside but from within them. They will destroy themselves before something else finishes them.

I can't help but feel that I dodged a blaster bolt, and yet I don't know why I doubt it makes me the lucky one. Would you call me a coward if I chose to drink from the well of ignorance and decided to go back? Or am I more of a coward for choosing to run away and not bearing to watch the tragedy that's about to befall The Galaxy?

Maybe The Galaxy needs its cowards to sometimes turn around and come back when the time is right, when it is time for them to regret the worst decision they ever made in their lives and put it behind them.

I have to leave. I've struggled with enough pain and remorse. They've perpetually haunted my mind in this lost world and I don't believe I can bear to see what the near future holds without breaking completely into madness and falling into the grip of The Darkside.

I do hope I'm wrong.

I do hold The Jedi Order dear to me.

I do as well still have faith The Force will find away to fall back into balance and when that day comes I will sincerely wish upon you dear reader, and the entire galaxy, the greeting of a true and honest Jedi Knight.

May The Force be with you.


End file.
